Myths of Grieving W By: Mike Sevilla, MD, FAAFP , Family Practice Center of Salem Myth: It takes a year to get over your grief. Even before my father passed away, people were telling me that the first year after his death would be the most difficult. I even talk to patients and families about “the year of firsts.” This refers to the first birthday, the first holidays, the first wedding anniversary, etc. For a long time, I thought that the first 12 months, the first 365 days following the death of a loved one, would be the most difficult. Unfortunately, this is a myth. Of course, those first holidays and memorable days are difficult, but those milestones during the second year are no easier. What I’m finding out in talking with people is that sometimes it never gets better, or that it is going to take more time before things start to ease in your mind. Grief has no timeline. Myth: The goal of grieving is to find closure. For a long time, I did think that if I was able to achieve this goal of “closure” (whatever that means), then I would be able to get on with the rest of my life. In my research and reading, sometimes people just have to “get over it.” Although this may be the case for some, this has not been my experience. The process of grieving is something that I deal with every day, and will probably deal with for the rest of my life. Grieving is not a means to an end. Grieving is not a process that needs to be completed. Grieving does not have an endpoint for which you can tell people that you have completed the process. Grieving is every day, and it’s ok. I hope this essay helps even one person through the grieving process. The process of grief is something that is not talked about in our society. Why? I’m not sure—but as a family physician, I hope to create a space for my patients, my community, and for all of you to discuss and share openly, without judgment. When physicians hear the term “Health Myths,” they typically think of things having to do with misinformation on the internet, the most recent being COVID-19. You have probably never thought about health myths following the end of someone’s life. My father passed away during the tragic year of 2020, when many people died, masks were the norm, and a COVID vaccine was still unavailable. My father did not pass away from COVID-19, but rather a rapidly growing cancerous brain tumor called glioblastoma. Before he passed away, I was using all of my family physician skills to help my own family through this process. However, after he was gone, I felt lost as we were all trying to process…what happens now? There are a lot of myths when it comes to grieving, so I want to share three that I have experienced; so hopefully, I can help others through this mysterious process, too. Myth: Grief happens in an orderly process. Close to the end of my father’s life, the family decided to place him on hospice services. To help myself and my family through this process, I reached for the book On Death and Dying , by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. As family physicians, it’s likely that we have encountered this book at one point or another in our training and are familiar with the outlined stages of dying including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, through my arrogance, I thought that these were the same steps following death. I thought that these were the steps of grieving, which is not the case. Grief does not happen in orderly stages. Grief is a convoluted and complicated process that is very personal and very individualized. 46 The Ohio Family Physician I Fall 2022
OH AFP Edition 87: Page 46
